Beloved Sister
by Das Ich
Summary: Oneshot. Why does Petunia Dursley hate her sister so much?


_A/N: When Hagrid collected Harry from the Dursleys and told him the truth about his parents, Petunia was really angry at Lily. I was thinking about why she might hate her so much, and this is what came out._

**Beloved Sister**

****

I hate my sister. I wish she were dead. It's been like that for a long time, but now it has just become worse.

It's so unfair. I'm the older sister, so when she was born I was forced to leave my childhood behind. I had to grow up, to be mature, to be able to look after myself and even after her. I can remember the time without her. I had actually desperately wanted a little baby sister, the thought that it might be so horrible never crossed my mind.

People even warned me. They told me often enough that she might be getting on my nerves and that I might feel left out, but I didn't believe it. My wished sister was lovely, she was there just for me to play with, like an exceptionally nice doll.

I should have believed it. I would have been forewarned.

Even my mother, before my sister was born she told me not to worry, that if her and my father's love for us children was like a cake, I wouldn't have to share it, we would both get a whole cake. I didn't worry at all.

But then she was there. They named her Lily. Lily. Why, just why did they have to pick exactly that name? I told them not to. But my father liked the name, so her name was Lily.

You'll be asking why I minded that. Well, my name is Petunia. At least it's the name my parents gave to me. Then there was this boy at kindergarten who always bullied me with his friends. I've always been shy, an easy target. And they teased me with my name. It was even worse because I didn't like it myself.

So, living half my life in my fantasy, I gave myself another name, only for me. Lily. And now my sister got it.

I managed to overlook that fact and like her as she was so cute. I still felt a tight knot form in my stomach every time I heard her name, and when my father proudly told someone about her, a wave of helpless anger penetrated my mind for some moments, until I thought of something else.

Worse was that she did receive all of our parents' care now. They and their friends always said that she was the sweetest girl in the world. But I calmed myself with thinking that this was only temporary, since she was so little.

What I couldn't stand was that my grandparents, my beloved grandparents who were the best people in the world to me, came over to visit and went past me, without more than a quick glance and a 'hello' to recognize me for being there. They just hurried to Lily who was lying innocently on her light blue baby-blanket, kissed and cuddled her and did everything they had stopped doing with me long ago. Now they just ignored me and the only thing they said to me was that I had to be proud to have such a lovely sister. Before, I had been, but now that abruptly changed.

I slowly felt my eyes watering. I excused myself in a high-pitched voice without anybody really taking notice, and ran up to my room. There I threw myself on the bed and started sobbing uncontrollably. I was angry at my grandparents, angry at Lily, even angry at myself. I felt so weak... I should be downstairs, happily eating cake with my family, drooling over my little baby sister... yet, that was the last thing I wanted to do now.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the afternoon. No one noticed, or cared.

The first times my parents went out and told me to look after Lily, I felt special. They told me what a big girl I was now, and I was filled with pride and took wonderful care of my sister.

Then, months and years went by. Me looking after Lily quickly became normal, my parents just gave her to me without even a thanks. When I didn't look after Lily, I did the housework that was too much for my mother with two children.

A few times I complained, but my father didn't want to hear it and my mother told me that I was so big, at my age I was supposed to be able to handle this. I was the older one, I should be reasonable.

But I didn't even feel like a real member of the family right now. More like the nanny or an au-pair or something. While my parents did a lot with adorable Lily, the only things they said to me was if I could just do something. Sometimes they even asked me about my day, but then I didn't really want to answer honestly because they were becoming like strangers to me. So I said that I was fine. And in their eyes, I was always fine.

I couldn't decide what I disliked more, being at home with my family, some sort of constant pressure always on me, or being at school, an outsider, picked on all the time. They said that I was ugly and fat, and although a lot of adults always told me how beautiful I was, I believed my classmates. I stopped eating and became thin and worn-looking what didn't help at all. Now not even the adults found me beautiful anymore.

I hated myself. I felt ugly, weak, pathetic, impure. Quite the contrary of Lily. She was beautiful, strong and courageous, pure as an angel, so everyone said.

Then Lily got that letter. That stupid letter. By an owl. It was from a magic school, saying that she was a witch and had been accepted there.

At first all of us weren't sure of what to think of this, but then this man was standing outside the door, showing us an example of magic by letting a bunch of flowers appear which he then gave to Lily who was positively delighted. Then he offered to take Lily to buy her magic things, and take us along if we wanted to. Our parents took the offer, shocked by the reveal of magic existing, but impressed, and very proud of their youngest daughter being a witch. I politely denied, lying about a friend in desperate need for help having called me. Truth was, I had no friends.

My parents and the thoroughly excited Lily left without me, and I spent the day in my room, like I did very often, and tried to distract myself by reading a book, but it was of no use. I kept thinking of how Lily was going to learn about magic, how she was going to be a real witch with magic wand and broomstick and spells and potions and everything.

I was so jealous, more that I'd ever been before. I wished the bitch to hell. I put my book away and started to picture horrible things to happen to Lily. When I realized what sadistic pleasure that brought me, I was a little shocked of myself. But it helped. So I invited Lily into my fantasy dream world, for the first time ever, and did these things to her. I had not enjoyed myself that much for a long time.

Then they came back. Lily was even more excited then when they had left. According to her, it had been the greatest thing that had ever happened to her. She couldn't stop talking about it, and showed me her wand about every quarter hour.

My parents couldn't stop hugging her and telling her how proud they were of her, even when she wasn't there the only thing they were talking about was her. I was asked if I wasn't so proud of my sister, without anyone considering that the answer might be something other than yes. Of course it was yes.

Lily looked through her schoolbooks and managed to learn a few simple charms. Her chest swelling, she showed them to the whole family and got a lot of admiration.

I gave my best to act casual and unimpressed, shrugged it off as nothing special. On the outside.

On the inside, I was contemplating the benefits of suicide. I decided against it, as it would have meant showing my weakness to all the world.

My solution was to continue to suffer in silence.

Lily went to this school and came back only in the holidays. To my luck, she wasn't allowed to practice magic. Still I had to endure her talking about it all the time. And my parents wanted to know everything, they kept on asking questions, so curious and interested.

With me, it was different. They asked me how my school year had been so far, I said fine, and that was it.

Now, I don't live with my parents anymore. I moved out on the first occasion. I now live with my boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, the only guy who wanted me. He's certainly not the top score, and I don't love him and I don't think he really loves me either, but he's the only one who wants me.

And with him, I can have a child, an only child. I'll care for it how I haven't been cared for. I just want to set some kind of example of what might have been. I'll pretend to love this child, even if I don't.

I'll pretend the happy family I have always desired.

Let's face it, I'm not getting anything better. I'm not like my sister. Not like Lily, as much as I long for it. I'm not adorable. I'm not lovable. I'm not capable of loving.

My body is still young, but the mind and soul in it has aged very quickly, in a bad way, and is already willing to leave for whatever comes next. It might be just what I need.

_A/N: Oookay, this has turned out really strange... oh well, just tell me your thoughts, good or bad._


End file.
